A Fragile Mass of Nerves Continued

When Marilyn, my wonderful mother-in-law had that second aneurysm, we stayed most of the night at the hospital with all of Aaron's brothers and sisters and their spouses, as well as some of the older grandchildren. We made quite a crowd in the waiting room. The surgeon who came to tell us the (favorable!) result of Marilyn's surgery said he felt intimidated talking to such a large group. :) A few hours later the incredible stress and fear I had been feeling caught up to me and I succumbed to an IBS attack. I had to spend the following day and night at my brother and sister-in-law's home while I recovered.

The following evening I began bleeding even though I shouldn't have started for another week. I called my doctor who said it was likely the result of the previous few days' stress. Except it didn't stop. On day twenty-eight other symptoms surfaced. I began to throw up. Aaron will tell you that nausea is my kryptonite and he's right. I was miserable. On the advice of our doctors we went to the ER who then promptly told us that there was little they could do and to go see my OBGYN (the same one who sent me to the ER). Frustrated and getting worse, we saw a colleague of my OBGYN's (since she just couldn't squeeze me in herself) and he prescribed a high dose of progesterone to stop the bleeding which would then, hopefully, clear up the nausea and vomiting as well. We left his office and went straight to the ER where they finally admitted me.

I was in the hospital for four days. On day two I was given a shot of that large amount of progesterone and, sure enough, the bleeding slowed and then stopped. The nausea took a little longer but I finally was able to go home. Now my body is struggling to gain some sort of equilibrium, vacillating between diarrhea and constipation. Mornings are especially bad. I'm hoping that by eating right and taking my medicines, my body will eventually stabilize itself, but until then I'm a less than scintillating companion for my Aaron. There. Two months of hell spelled out.

As for Marilyn, she's still pretty weak herself, and often confused about what is going on around her. It's really hard to see. My heart just breaks for my husband because, knowing how much I love her and knowing that his love for her is twenty times my own, this is hitting him hard. He wasn't kidding when he said she was the glue that holds us all together. Her approval, her support, her advice are very important to all of us. She is special. She stands out from those around her because of her wisdom and charity. I think if anyone wants to know what it is to love unconditionally, talk to Marilyn. She'll teach you. And she'll love you. No matter what.

A fragile mass of nerves

The human brain.

The past two months have been a complete nightmare.

On April 23 my mom had "the worst headache [she'd] ever had" and threw up a few times. Some of my sisters took her to the ER and the doctors there suspected an aneurysm and she was whisked via life flight to Murray.

Jessica and I pulled up right as the helicopter was about to take off. One of the hospital employees had to jump in front of the car to get us to stop and then hold me back from running up to the helicopter. I wanted to see my mommy!

We all drove down the Murrary with questions tumbling through our minds. Her helicopter hit a bird on the way there, putting a hole in the windshield and forcing them to make and emergency landing at the SLC airport.

Tests, test and more tests. The doctors couldn't find where the bleed was happening. Days passed.  A week passed and boom, a full on aneurysm. This time the doctors were able to go into her brain and find the bleed and repair it. This was a scary time.

Towards the middle of May Mom was allowed to come home. She's not the same as she was before - obviously - though she is making baby steps. The woman gave birth to 9 kids naturally without pain medication (I was the only one she had pain free :D ), raised ten kids and several grandkids. She's a fighter. Seeing her laid up and fragile is quite shocking. We are all used to seeing Dad sick or injured. Not Mom. She's the glue that holds us together!

My heart aches for those of you who have had a loved one with dementia. I visisted Mom in the CCU and she didn't seem to remember me, which shook me to the core. I can only imagine the pain of having a loved one never remember anything about you.

Shortly after Mom came home Jessica became sick. I'll let her talk about that.

Waxing Nostalgic II

Our neighbors were an odd bunch. The morning after our wedding one of them knocked on our front door. She seemed nice enough. We talked for a minute or two until she asked us when we were married. I told her we had been married last night. She freaked out and said, "Oh my goodness, I'll leave you two alone!" My parents knew her from years ago and she loved cats. In fact, knowing she had cats in her "no pets allowed" apartment inspired us to do the same!

We never talked to the lady above us. She loved listening to techno-ish music and cranked movies on Sundays. That's my only complaint of her.

There was a kid in his 20's living next to the cat neighbor. He was...odd. He was on a lot of medication which may or may not have included pot.

Of course there were more people living next to us. These are the only ones we interacted with more than once.

Our apartment did not have air conditioning. During the summer we quickly invested in a fan or two in order to combat the stifling heat. Our cat would get so hot she would sprawl out on her belly on the tile floor in order to cool down!

Shyla saying "zomg u hoominz kneedz teh Ay Si"

Jessica and I thought about buying an AC unit. Lack of funds kept us from doing so. This, in part, helped us to toughen which allowed us to survive living in our second apartment.

These were the days of tin foil over the bedroom windows in hopes of blotting out the sun, thus making it possible for me to sleep during the day. These were the days of hospital stays and medical bills. Wait...those days are still upon us! These were the days of referring to Shyla as "my little Jew", seeing as we were hiding her from the landlords. These were the days of feeding stray cats and even catching one with a blanket (I let it go. His name was James) These were the days of adjusting to living with someone and of the usual first year of marriage fights (these still happen once in awhile, as they should)

Looking back I can see how hard the first year of marriage was for Jessica. Here she is in a new apartment, new surroundings all alone, at night, while her new husband was off working. Then I would come home and sleep while she was awake or at work. She's such a trooper for doing that for over two years. Never again.

On our fourth month or marriage Jessica was hospitalized for two weeks. The Logan doctors had NO IDEA what was wrong with her. In fact, one doctor was certain she had a STD. We still joke about that. I think those two weeks brought us closer together. I remember when she had an allergic reaction to a medication and her limbs were jerking around involuntarily. Scared the heck out of me!...as well as her nurse.

Seeing Jessica like that scared me in a way I'd never experienced. And I hope I never have to again.

Life is sweet

We have many joys in our life. Every morning I wake up in the arms of my husband brings me happiness I never saw coming. And our animals. Their quirky personalities, their unconditional love, all the little tricks they do, add such spice to life. I couldn't live without them. And Spring is on the way. Warmer air and melting snow give me all kins of happy feelings. I have to remind myself daily to cling to these things or else the stress of each days chores and duties plummets me into depression. So here's a big thank you to my sweetheart for making me laugh every night, and to my animals for making me laugh when Aaron isn't there. My little family makes life sweet.

Waxing Nostalgic

Looking for an apartment has made me reflect back upon the first apartment we lived in for 18 months.

A long time ago (2007) in this galaxy Jessica and I were not yet married. I don't recall exactly when the apartment hunting began. I do remember becoming tired of it after the first one or two. This was when I had barely started working on the graveyard shift. I was tired and did not feel like going to look around town when I could be sleeping. Therefore, my lovely future wife took it upon herself to select our humble abode. I gave her to go ahead to decide.

One day in November Jessica called me to say she had found our apartment. She described it as a one bedroom, bath and kitchen with nasty carpets. The lady currently residing there was a pack rat and Jessica said she had to follow "paths" to get from room to room. Ick. But Jessica had decided "this was the place".

Sometime between then and the wedding date I (it may have been a week before the wedding) I went to the apartment and peeked inside. The carpet was disgusting. I think the original color was blue only now it was more black than anything. Jessica reassured me the carpet was going to be replaced.

We tried to move in about a week before our wedding. The bank wouldn't have it because we had told them we wanted it by December 20th. I explained we were getting MARRIED on the 20th and needed it available a few days before so we could adequately move in.

We moved our stuff in about a day or two before the 20th. The carpets weren't finished yet. I called the bank and basically told them to get it done now or die. I think it was finished either the day before or the day of the wedding. Talk about cutting it close!

The wedding came and happiness followed. I must confess being alone with Jessica in "our" apartment felt odd. I could finally be with a girl and not get in trouble! Woo hoo!

Unfortunately, the previous tennant hadn't cleaned very well at all. The cupboards were nasty, the walls had stains on them and the carpet layers had left a horrible mess on the kitchen tile. There was a door in the kitchen that led to the carport, which was nothing more than mud and gravel. The gentlemen had tracked mud in all over the kitchen. Oh, and they hadn't removed the extra carpet or vacuumed up the little pieces. There was so much to do. Unpacking. Cleaning. Buying groceries. The usual. I'm so glad we didn't go on our honeymoon right off the bat! What a horrible mess to come home and find, waiting to be cleaned and polished.

Within the first week one of Jessica's friends brought her husband over and helped us clean. He helped me saw an inch or two off the bedroom and living room doors. With the new carpet being higher than the old you couldn't close the doors without much pulling/pushing. Those two pretty much saved our lives! I will be forever in their debt! Side note - once 9-10 PM rolled around I was quite anxious for them to leave so I could do some "rolling" of my own...if you know what I mean!

This is the living room. We rearranged it several times over the months we lived there. This is the earliest picture I could find. Look at that sweet SD TV in the corner! Also, note the lack of a Wii or Xbox 360. Those window blinds wouldn't go up very easily. We could have used some new ones and, ironically, the owner bought new blinds after we moved out! I was always afraid someone would peek in through the broken blinds.

There's more, of course, but it will have to wait until another time. Stay tuned!

When enough is enough.

Yesterday, Jessica and I attended the best Superbowl Party I have ever attended (it's the only one so far...good to start out with the best). I've come to love my new friends...not in a creepy way. It's so great to be connected with a group of people who have been where you are and are feeling what you are feeling. The love and acceptance is almost overwhelming at times.

We were there for about six hours. I ate too much chips and dip. The conversations were hilarious. Loud laughter was shared by all! Oh, wasn't that a horrible Half Time Show? Black Eyed Peas ftl.

Jessica and I have decided to stop with the I.U.I.s and the associated medication. The money is just too much for us at this time. Another reason is I have been on clomid for over 4 months. I'm tired of the hot flashes and dizzy spells. I want to go back to feeling like my old self. I want to be able to trust what I am feeling and not having to wonder if it's the drugs. And the stress of it all is something we don't want to deal with right now.

Jessica's schooling is going quite well. She aces all of her quizzes and tests. I'm proud of her. We are looking into a paper route in hopes of making some extra money.

Diesel had his first check up on Saturday. He loved meeting all the new people and smelling the scents throughout the office. He appears to be in good health and weighs 77 lbs! When I think about how far he has come along since we first bought him I can't help but be thankful we have such a good dog! As a puppy I wanted to strangle him. Pooping everywhere, peeing in the other places, puking on me, keeping us up at night. I wanted to kill him.

Now he's an obediant dog who listens when given commands. His tail might be considered a weapon in most states, however.

That's all for today. I was going to include more "Deep Thoughts by Aaron" section. Maybe next time!

A quick update and a mini rant

I had this whole entry read and the internet decided to be dumb. So here we go again!

This entry is going to contain something I've been thinking about for quite a while. It will be at the end.

For starters, a quick update!
In November, Jessica needed to go to the ER again. The doctors loaded her up with pain pills and sent her home. Four days later I dislocated my knee at work and went to the ER. The same doctor and nurse who helped Jessica helped me. It was quite humorous. I took 9 days off of work and about went crazy. Now I remember why I was so upset after the surgery three years ago. Being crippled SUCKS. I had to use crutches at work for a week. That wasn't fun.

In December, Jessica needed to go to the ER again. Well, first we went to Wal-Mart at 4 AM for drugs and THEN we hit the ER. She was in so much pain! Turns out it was just a gas bubble.

We celebrated three years of marriage in December! We spent a weekend together. Two nights in the Providence Inn and one night in the Anniversary Inn. Jessica didn't know we were going to the AI. I put a blindfold on her and surprised the crap out of her! Got it on video, too! The weekend was pure bliss. The bed in the AI was freaking squeaky. Our poor neighbors!

Coming back to reality after the weekend SUCKED.

Last week we went in for IUI #2. We did everything we needed to do. The day before Jessica took a vial of HCG (good-bye $85) and I had all my drugs. Took the, ahem, sample in for the doctors to spin it down. Ten minutes later the doctor comes into the room and asks me if I'd been sick or had an infection. Confused, I answer that I am fine. He says my white blood cell count is sky high, thus making the IUI impractical. Good-bye $300. Here's to next month.

This leads me into my main topic for this entry. I am so grateful my ideas on "God" have recently evolved. If not, I might be beating myself up for not being "worthy" of God's blessings. "Maybe if I paid 15% tithing, read 2 chapters a night, had home evening, family prayer, family scripture time, planted a garden, read the Ensign, read the upcoming lesson, take my neighbors cookies and go to the temple twice a week, God will bless me."

I'd be stressing myself out, pleading with God to help us have a baby. "God's hand is in all things," yeah, right! There are no blessings. Things just happen. Some people pay tithing and mysteriously find money while others go bankrupt. Some people pray for their loved ones in the war and they come home safely while others are sent home in a coffin.

I don't have to jump through hoops anymore. Doing so is like the Native Americans and their rain dances. If it doesn't rain...God didn't want it to. But if it DOES rain...the dance worked.

No thanks.

Reminds me of my black lab, Diesel. He sees I have a treat in my hand when teaching him to do a new trick. He doesn't get what I'm trying to get him to do so he starts doing all the old tricks I taught him, just hoping one of them will earn him that treat. So it is with God.

Anyway. I'm thankful I've come to understand how "God" works. Too bad I didn't earlier, it would have saved me a lot of grief.

....and if the IUIs never work, then next step is to have sex while wearing garments. That's supposed to do the trick ;)