Monday, October 4, 2010

My Conference Weekend

Well, we are all moved in and currently living in Amalga. The cats adjusted quicker than expected, not that I'm complaining! Kaylee loves everyone and Shyla is becoming less shy to other people. Diesel is in heaven with a big backyard to run around in!

Unfortunately, Jessica's health took a turn for the worse. She has been in pain for the past three weeks. Some days she can barely move yet she still manages to do the laundry and take care of me! What a lucky guy I am!

On Friday we decided to go see a doctor about the pain. The doctor's office was closed for the day so I encouraged her to go to InstaCare. I was at work dealing with the stress of caselot and unable to transport her. One of our friends took her. Woo hoo for friends!

Jessica called me later and asked if I could get off work early so I could accompany her to the hosptial because the doctor wanted to do some more tests. I didn't think that was possible seeing it was caselot on a Friday night. She wouldn't tell me the reason for the test and only gave in when I demanded an answer.

"They think I'm pregnant"

My heart had leaped into my throat and my mind went blank for a couple seconds. I asked how they thought this. The doctor had her take a pregnancy test and they were just about to x-ray her when the doctor burst into the room and exclaimed, "Wait! You might be pregnant!" Jessica burst into tears, understandably, since we've been trying for over six months now. The next step was to go to the hospital for an ultrasound to see if she was in fact pregnant.

Thankfully, the store was slowing down and my boss let me go an hour early. Thanks Landon! We went to the hospital and waited for our turn. We talked about not getting our hopes up and when the baby would be due. I did my best to remain calm until we had concrete proof.

We were called in, Jessica stripped from the waist down, her belly was oiled up and the ultrasound began.

Nothing. He said the pregnancy might be early and unable to show up on the scan. Our only hope was the blood test results which the doctor was trying to finish by the end of the night. This didn't happen so we waited all of Friday night, hoping, wishing, thinking and worrying. The feeling was the same as I used to experience on Christmas Eve as a youngster. Would I get the right presents? Would Santa come? Why can't it be morning already!

I remember waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. My mind was a haze and I stumbled around until a burst of a thought came into my mind.

I might be a father.

I smiled at the thought and couldn't wait for the hours to pass. I climbed back into bed, pulled Jessica into my arms and drifted back to sleep.

I awoke to the sound of a ringing cell phone. Jessica bolted and answered it. I perched over her , resting my chin on her shoulder so I could hear the news as well. My heart was pounding, my thoughts racing.

"I'm sorry," was the answer.

How cruel to have our hopes and dreams teased only to experience the crushing reality. Part of me expected that answer so I was able to brush it aside. The other part of me was heart broken. There was nothing to look forward to any more. No planning, no excitement. Just pain. I was just me again.

Still, hope remained. The irrational side of me knew tests could be wrong. Jessica's period was supposed to occur a few days ago. There was still a chance....

No. The proof came today and with it goes a painful experience. And now, we count the days, plan the time and wait another month.

This is something close to my heart as well as Jessica's. I felt like it should be shared with friends and family. I know others have experienced the same disappointment and survived. I know we will. We have each other, our cats, our "rodents" and a silly puppy.

I just want a freaking baby.