Thursday, December 30, 2010

A quick update and a mini rant

I had this whole entry read and the internet decided to be dumb. So here we go again!

This entry is going to contain something I've been thinking about for quite a while. It will be at the end.

For starters, a quick update!
In November, Jessica needed to go to the ER again. The doctors loaded her up with pain pills and sent her home. Four days later I dislocated my knee at work and went to the ER. The same doctor and nurse who helped Jessica helped me. It was quite humorous. I took 9 days off of work and about went crazy. Now I remember why I was so upset after the surgery three years ago. Being crippled SUCKS. I had to use crutches at work for a week. That wasn't fun.

In December, Jessica needed to go to the ER again. Well, first we went to Wal-Mart at 4 AM for drugs and THEN we hit the ER. She was in so much pain! Turns out it was just a gas bubble.

We celebrated three years of marriage in December! We spent a weekend together. Two nights in the Providence Inn and one night in the Anniversary Inn. Jessica didn't know we were going to the AI. I put a blindfold on her and surprised the crap out of her! Got it on video, too! The weekend was pure bliss. The bed in the AI was freaking squeaky. Our poor neighbors!

Coming back to reality after the weekend SUCKED.

Last week we went in for IUI #2. We did everything we needed to do. The day before Jessica took a vial of HCG (good-bye $85) and I had all my drugs. Took the, ahem, sample in for the doctors to spin it down. Ten minutes later the doctor comes into the room and asks me if I'd been sick or had an infection. Confused, I answer that I am fine. He says my white blood cell count is sky high, thus making the IUI impractical. Good-bye $300. Here's to next month.

This leads me into my main topic for this entry. I am so grateful my ideas on "God" have recently evolved. If not, I might be beating myself up for not being "worthy" of God's blessings. "Maybe if I paid 15% tithing, read 2 chapters a night, had home evening, family prayer, family scripture time, planted a garden, read the Ensign, read the upcoming lesson, take my neighbors cookies and go to the temple twice a week, God will bless me."

I'd be stressing myself out, pleading with God to help us have a baby. "God's hand is in all things," yeah, right! There are no blessings. Things just happen. Some people pay tithing and mysteriously find money while others go bankrupt. Some people pray for their loved ones in the war and they come home safely while others are sent home in a coffin.

I don't have to jump through hoops anymore. Doing so is like the Native Americans and their rain dances. If it doesn't rain...God didn't want it to. But if it DOES rain...the dance worked.

No thanks.

Reminds me of my black lab, Diesel. He sees I have a treat in my hand when teaching him to do a new trick. He doesn't get what I'm trying to get him to do so he starts doing all the old tricks I taught him, just hoping one of them will earn him that treat. So it is with God.

Anyway. I'm thankful I've come to understand how "God" works. Too bad I didn't earlier, it would have saved me a lot of grief.

....and if the IUIs never work, then next step is to have sex while wearing garments. That's supposed to do the trick ;)

Monday, October 4, 2010

My Conference Weekend

Well, we are all moved in and currently living in Amalga. The cats adjusted quicker than expected, not that I'm complaining! Kaylee loves everyone and Shyla is becoming less shy to other people. Diesel is in heaven with a big backyard to run around in!

Unfortunately, Jessica's health took a turn for the worse. She has been in pain for the past three weeks. Some days she can barely move yet she still manages to do the laundry and take care of me! What a lucky guy I am!

On Friday we decided to go see a doctor about the pain. The doctor's office was closed for the day so I encouraged her to go to InstaCare. I was at work dealing with the stress of caselot and unable to transport her. One of our friends took her. Woo hoo for friends!

Jessica called me later and asked if I could get off work early so I could accompany her to the hosptial because the doctor wanted to do some more tests. I didn't think that was possible seeing it was caselot on a Friday night. She wouldn't tell me the reason for the test and only gave in when I demanded an answer.

"They think I'm pregnant"

My heart had leaped into my throat and my mind went blank for a couple seconds. I asked how they thought this. The doctor had her take a pregnancy test and they were just about to x-ray her when the doctor burst into the room and exclaimed, "Wait! You might be pregnant!" Jessica burst into tears, understandably, since we've been trying for over six months now. The next step was to go to the hospital for an ultrasound to see if she was in fact pregnant.

Thankfully, the store was slowing down and my boss let me go an hour early. Thanks Landon! We went to the hospital and waited for our turn. We talked about not getting our hopes up and when the baby would be due. I did my best to remain calm until we had concrete proof.

We were called in, Jessica stripped from the waist down, her belly was oiled up and the ultrasound began.

Nothing. He said the pregnancy might be early and unable to show up on the scan. Our only hope was the blood test results which the doctor was trying to finish by the end of the night. This didn't happen so we waited all of Friday night, hoping, wishing, thinking and worrying. The feeling was the same as I used to experience on Christmas Eve as a youngster. Would I get the right presents? Would Santa come? Why can't it be morning already!

I remember waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. My mind was a haze and I stumbled around until a burst of a thought came into my mind.

I might be a father.

I smiled at the thought and couldn't wait for the hours to pass. I climbed back into bed, pulled Jessica into my arms and drifted back to sleep.

I awoke to the sound of a ringing cell phone. Jessica bolted and answered it. I perched over her , resting my chin on her shoulder so I could hear the news as well. My heart was pounding, my thoughts racing.

"I'm sorry," was the answer.

How cruel to have our hopes and dreams teased only to experience the crushing reality. Part of me expected that answer so I was able to brush it aside. The other part of me was heart broken. There was nothing to look forward to any more. No planning, no excitement. Just pain. I was just me again.

Still, hope remained. The irrational side of me knew tests could be wrong. Jessica's period was supposed to occur a few days ago. There was still a chance....

No. The proof came today and with it goes a painful experience. And now, we count the days, plan the time and wait another month.

This is something close to my heart as well as Jessica's. I felt like it should be shared with friends and family. I know others have experienced the same disappointment and survived. I know we will. We have each other, our cats, our "rodents" and a silly puppy.

I just want a freaking baby.

Friday, June 18, 2010

My Two Cents

I think you did pretty well, sweetheart, in covering the last few months. I suppose I could add some of our family news. Little Arleah was born to Tae and Steve in March and has been a completely delightful new niece. My Mom had gastric bypass surgery and is losing tons of weight very fast! I can't wait to go shopping with her soon. I'm also making a cd with my brother and sister. It should be finished soon if the "Diva" (Jason) would get off his high horse and work. We'll see. Speaking of Jason, he got his mission call to Paraguay, Ascuncion North. We're very excited for him. I continue to work on my book and stories and my sister joins me in my efforts. I love my new job and Aaron's too. Yes there are a lot of bills and times are hard, but they're good too!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

11 months summed up in a few paragraphs

Eleven months have come and gone. I guess enough time has passed for an update on the going ons of our lives.

First off, we didn't get rid of Kaylee. Shyla hated her guts for a little over a month and then they became fast friends. Their personalities are very different. Shyla was a crazy kitten, attacking everything, shredding the walls and peeling off the wallpaper. Kaylee was more relaxed and a cuddle puss.

Unfortunately, their friendship hit a rocky spot in December when we took Kaylee in to be fixed by the vet. When we brought her back home Shyla could smell non-Kaylee scent. This did not go well. Shyla tolertates Kaylee now, however, long gone are the days of cuddling together. Also, Kaylee is as big as Shyla and loves to play. There's another factor that strained their friendship which I will comment on later.

After adopting Kaylee we found ourselves in a tricky situation. Our apartment did not allow pets. We ignored that and adopted Shyla...hey, I can't live without cats :) Adding another cat made life a little more interesting. A few of the other renters in our complex had cats as well and that added a little comfort. We also felt cramped living in a one bedroom apartment.

We searched and searched and searched and finally in September found a two bedroom apartment that allowed pets. We moved in the cats enjoyed the extra space as well as stairs to run up and down in the middle of the night.

Unfortunately, while this was going on Jessica's health declined and she was forced to quit her job at Dillard's. She didn't like working there so it wasn't hard for her to say good-bye. We felt the loss of her paychecks twice a month. Life was rough then. We didn't unpack everything. The apartment was a mess. The neighborhood kids constantly wanted to see the cats and rat/mice. New ward. No money. The usual.

In January we bought a black lab puppy for Jessica's birthday. Days passed before we decided on a name - Diesel. He was a cute and cuddly ten pounds...and a pain in the neck to keep from peeing/pooing every where. I wanted to kill him a few times and stopped calling him "pup" and switched to "poop"...a nickname that stuck.

Now he is approaching seven months old and is 65 pounds. He rarely has an accident inside and, if I remember correctly, has only destroyed a pillow and one of Jessica's sandals. All in all, he is a great dog who suffers from HLS (Happy Lab Syndrome) and LOVES to play outside with other dogs.

Jessica went to the ER/hospital again in the early months of the year. We are once again fighting bills and trying to make it to the next paycheck. Thankfully, in May I was promoted from the midnight crew to assistant (to the) manager at Lee's. I've enjoyed my new shifts and new friends and Jessica, I suspect, has enjoyed my being home at night. Sleeping at "normal" times is taking getting used to and I do miss the perks of the old shift - iPod and friends - I love working in the day.

Jessica started a new job a month ago. She works after hours as a dental clinic filing files and setting up appointments with old clients. The two hour shift is great for her on the bad days when she can't stand up or move around much.

That brings us to the end of the cliffnote update. Jessica might do a post with her version of events. Maybe the next one will arrive before another 11 months passes on :)