I had this whole entry read and the internet decided to be dumb. So here we go again!
This entry is going to contain something I've been thinking about for quite a while. It will be at the end.
For starters, a quick update!
In November, Jessica needed to go to the ER again. The doctors loaded her up with pain pills and sent her home. Four days later I dislocated my knee at work and went to the ER. The same doctor and nurse who helped Jessica helped me. It was quite humorous. I took 9 days off of work and about went crazy. Now I remember why I was so upset after the surgery three years ago. Being crippled SUCKS. I had to use crutches at work for a week. That wasn't fun.
In December, Jessica needed to go to the ER again. Well, first we went to Wal-Mart at 4 AM for drugs and THEN we hit the ER. She was in so much pain! Turns out it was just a gas bubble.
We celebrated three years of marriage in December! We spent a weekend together. Two nights in the Providence Inn and one night in the Anniversary Inn. Jessica didn't know we were going to the AI. I put a blindfold on her and surprised the crap out of her! Got it on video, too! The weekend was pure bliss. The bed in the AI was freaking squeaky. Our poor neighbors!
Coming back to reality after the weekend SUCKED.
Last week we went in for IUI #2. We did everything we needed to do. The day before Jessica took a vial of HCG (good-bye $85) and I had all my drugs. Took the, ahem, sample in for the doctors to spin it down. Ten minutes later the doctor comes into the room and asks me if I'd been sick or had an infection. Confused, I answer that I am fine. He says my white blood cell count is sky high, thus making the IUI impractical. Good-bye $300. Here's to next month.
This leads me into my main topic for this entry. I am so grateful my ideas on "God" have recently evolved. If not, I might be beating myself up for not being "worthy" of God's blessings. "Maybe if I paid 15% tithing, read 2 chapters a night, had home evening, family prayer, family scripture time, planted a garden, read the Ensign, read the upcoming lesson, take my neighbors cookies and go to the temple twice a week, God will bless me."
I'd be stressing myself out, pleading with God to help us have a baby. "God's hand is in all things," yeah, right! There are no blessings. Things just happen. Some people pay tithing and mysteriously find money while others go bankrupt. Some people pray for their loved ones in the war and they come home safely while others are sent home in a coffin.
I don't have to jump through hoops anymore. Doing so is like the Native Americans and their rain dances. If it doesn't rain...God didn't want it to. But if it DOES rain...the dance worked.
No thanks.
Reminds me of my black lab, Diesel. He sees I have a treat in my hand when teaching him to do a new trick. He doesn't get what I'm trying to get him to do so he starts doing all the old tricks I taught him, just hoping one of them will earn him that treat. So it is with God.
Anyway. I'm thankful I've come to understand how "God" works. Too bad I didn't earlier, it would have saved me a lot of grief.
....and if the IUIs never work, then next step is to have sex while wearing garments. That's supposed to do the trick ;)
That is just how I feel, baby! It's been an interesting and expensive few months.
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Brother...
ReplyDeleteHow I love you and I feel so deeply for your struggle to begin a family! I won't pretend to understand the issues you seem to have with your Heavenly Father. I'm not trying to get in a heated argument with you, but I must tell you how I feel.
Our Heavenly Father is a LOVING father who only wants to bless our lives. But sometimes, we don't get what we want. It's not that He is withholding blessings from us, it's just THAT IS LIFE!! If Steve were to have been killed while he was deployed I would have been devastated, crushed, shook to my core. I would have been sad, angry, confused and upset, maybe even at Heavenly Father. But I would not have felt punished, or blamed any lack of prayers or even too little tithing....I guess it comes down to Faith. Having Faith that our Heavenly Father wants to bless us and is willing to give us eternity. We just have to be willing to go through our Earthly life with Faith. You signed up in Heaven. So did I. You will get your family Aaron. I know you will!! Please don't forget all that you know to be true because you are going through such a hard time. I Love You!!!
You compared yourself to Diesel, so I hope you don't mind if compare you to my kids :) My job as a parent is to know what is best for my children. Sometimes I really want to give them everything - EVERTYHING!! Toys, clothes, trips, junk food even! Some things they don't even know they want like big swing sets, and fancy bedroom furniture. (Ok maybe it's me who wants that stuff.) I want to give them everything and I would if I could, but I can't. American Express won't let me :) And no matter how good they are, how clean their rooms are, or how much I like them, I just can't. But I also have to teach them. I have to teach them to ask, be patient, and that sometimes, no matter how bad it stinks, sometimes Life Is Not Fair. But the good news is, that I will ALWAYS be there for them. Always. No matter what, when, where, or even if they will want me to be there. I am their Mother. And I hope and pray that one day they will be ok with all the things they didn't have and are ok with the things they did have.
Love, Tae
Sister,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment! If you really want to know why I feel the way I do, I would be more than happy to share it with you. I feel this way not because of "hard times". I feel this way after much thought and study.
I liked this line- "But sometimes, we don't get what we want. It's not that He is withholding blessings from us, it's just THAT IS LIFE!!" Okay...tell that to the little girl who prays every night that daddy won't come visit her in bed. Tell that to the starving children all over the world. I guess God doesn't really care about them, either. But heavens to betsy, Sister Jones got up in fast and testimony and shared how she prayed to find her lost keys and God helped her find them! Praise da Lord! Amen! Besides, if you think God is a loving Heavenly Father I would suggest you read the Old Testament again.
Your analogy with your children - if someone was molesting them would you step in or sit back and say 'It's for the best' or 'I'm testing their faith' or 'I'm sorry I can't help you but I'm here for you'? Of course not. And that's where God fails as a parent. He doesn't care, which is fine by me. I just wish people would stop acting like he does.
When we have children my beliefs won't change. I can't unlearn what I have learned. Wish I could. Seriously, we should chat about it sometime. I won't try to "destroy" your testimony. I will simply share my story and let you decide what you'd like :)
Love,
Aaron